I know Loneliness all too well, since i was a child i’ve always considered myself a loner, at the same time being funny and somewhat outgoing, but i never really got around to building real emotional connections. It was all just for looks and social satisfaction, to put up a facade and make myself look like some sort of Celebrity so that i’d be able to shield my insecurity and depression of having no real friends. I would constantly fake laugh when i would get picked on to appear as if i was okay with it, or found it humorous, but deep down and i mean deep…, i felt extreme sadness, shame, and embarrassment. Stress is another major factor that will eat you alive, its apart of daily life in today’s society whether you like it or not. Cost of living is insanely high in Los Angeles and you may feel like a failure but you’re just struggling like the rest of us. We did not all have the privilege to be born into wealthy families, we are not all 18 year old hipsters with grown man features walking the streets of Melrose Avenue, we cannot all afford to dress head to toe in supreme clothing, we cannot all afford to lease a brand new Mercedes Benz to appear happy and successful. Were out in the open. The biggest mistake i ever made was comparing myself to others, that was and still is today my biggest downfall. Don’t make that same mistake i did, its a plague that is difficult to shake.

I believe that there are many ways loneliness and stress occur, the main determining factor being your family and environment. If your family constantly has fights and are separated at holidays and hanging out in Cliques, then that will of course greatly affect your comfort level, judgement and social interactions. Another thing is Time itself, did your parents have time for you? I was raised by a single mom and she would work 9am to 7pm Monday through Friday. I still remember the days in elementary and middle school when i would see other kids being picked up by their parents or family members and i would be forced to walk home alone. Not only my mother, but everyone in my already small family worked so i was always on my own, never feeling taken care of, like nobody had my back. I was raised by my strict Grandmother. She had a very unique way of parenting, we would garden together for hours, she would cook me homemade meals, and watch me all day long while my mother was working. One negative thing is that she was very protective and rarely let me hangout with friends, or leave anywhere, which greatly affected my social skills. I love my Grandmother with all my heart, she was more of a mom to me than my own biological Mother. She is not perfect whatsoever but i still admire her.

The way my mother made up for not being there is, she would buy me the newest game consoles and video games and let me play for hours on end. As much as i still love playing video games and eating chips today, it serves as a crutch. It was something i did to isolate myself when i had stress or anxiety and it made me even lonelier and worsened my social skills. I didn’t need social interaction, I had video games and junk food. Perfect right? Why leave the house? Why put effort into making good quality friends? I feel safe here. Alone.

Some of the most common signs of loneliness are

• Social Media Addiction
• Isolation from social events
• Excessive Cleaning of ones personal space
• Abusing Alcohol/Drugs to feel accepted
• Video Game Addiction
• Life revolves around staying in watching Netflix
• Posting sad quotes and comments on social media for attention( a cry for help, to be noticed)
• Pornography Addiction
• Lying about you’re lifestyle to make oneself seem more wild and exciting
• Overcompensating

Over the years i’ve dealt with my mental health issues by accepting myself for the way i am and planning out my days so i can avoid feeling lonely and unproductive. The black cloud used to follow me everywhere, I am certainly not cured but i have to remind myself that it takes time and that i need to practice Patience, Courage and Positivity. Over the years i’ve discovered many useful treatments for stress and anxiety, which has a direct tie to loneliness.

Some Treatments and useful exercises that work for me are:

• Hypnotherapy
• Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
• Drawing for hours on end
• Cleaning my Car and living quarters regularly
• Doing what i can to stay productive
• Taking up new hobbies
• Being open about my struggles, therefore validating that i’m not alone
• Cutting off people that only bring you down.
• Eating healthier
• Exercising regularly in a social setting.
• Medication(least favorite)

High School is a time of experimentation, followed by a great amount of confusion and uncertainty. For some, High School was the best time of their lives, for others it was the exact opposite. Its absolute hell if you’re dealing with an abusive stepfather and shitty home environment and then going to school and dealing with cruel people. I wish i would’ve known at the time that nobody else really understood what i was going through. I have so many regrets, i wasted so much time, i was so hard on myself. I turned to smoking weed and drinking with people i thought were my friends. But in fact they were the furthest thing from that. I eventually got more curious and when a friend came up to me offering me a sip of his “lean” (cough syrup mixed with sprite) I didn’t think for a second longer and chugged half of it. Later on about an hour later was my first experience having a full blown panic attack. I had smoked a ton of weed and drank a disgusting Lime-A-Rita and started feeling sick sitting in a smoking circle in a secluded area of the Canyon. I went out of the circle for air and started experiencing intense visual hallucinations. Black dots were rushing over and covering my eyesight, like boiling over my eyes. I fell to the ground and crawled back to the smoking circle barely breathing about to vomit and there they were, high as hell laughing at me and making jokes. I was convinced i was dying and needed to go to the hospital, but why was nobody helping me? I’m such a nice guy, why couldn’t i expect others to give me the same love and care back? All of a sudden i fainted and woke up puking next to a tree, happy to still be alive. I turn to my side and they were taking pictures of me and taunting me with a water bottle, at this point i really needed water. I was okay, vomiting and wondering what the hell happened. I got up and walked a few miles home feeling very weak and fell asleep on my couch. It was the scariest experience of my life, i never returned to that group of so called friends. They could rot in hell, to this day i still wonder what was in that water bottle, if it was really just cough syrup. I checked today and all the people i was with that day either have kids, are in prison or are dead. I was getting too careless and doing bad things, i’m grateful to have woken up both physically and mentally from that day. I felt a whole new level of loneliness, i cut absolutely everyone off, i didn’t have that group of fake friends to show off and pretend to be happy with anymore. Do keep in mind, i was only 14 years of age when all of this occurred, just a kid.

A few months later after begging my Mom, she finally transferred me to Options For Youth Charter School. It was a scary experience at first because it was known as a school for troubled youth but i absolutely loved it, and i miss it everyday. Going to school there made me love learning, which inspired me to continue to pursue my education and go to college. I graduated in 2018 right before they were sadly forced to shutdown for unknown reasons. Ill never forget the amazing support they gave me. I met many amazing people there. I graduated High School a year late but hey i did it! Fuck you!

Some personal tips if you have faced issues like me:

• Things are not lined up to help you succeed, everyone wants to break you down, not help lift you up. You need to work for what you want and take it.
• People are full of Jealousy, bitterness and greed. They don’t want to hear how successful you are, they feed off your negative energy. Stay humble and don’t let anyone tell you what path to take in life.
• Stop Comparing yourself to others, that’s the worst thing you can do. We are not all dealt the same cards. Imagine how amazing your story is going to be! Imagine being able to say you built yourself up from the bottom with very little and being the opposite of everything you feared! That’s the dream.
• Get ahead and find something you have a passion for and pursue it, prove everybody wrong. Work toward that dream body, wake up earlier, clean that part of your house that no one dares touch, meet an incredible woman, force yourself to get out, spend time with your family, call your grandmother you haven’t spoken to in years, stop wasting time.
• Make yourself a top priority on your list, Meditate, buy immunity supplements, eat better, practice stress relief, allow yourself to have a drink but make wise decisions, as my mother always told me.
• Don’t sit around and feel sorry for yourself, that will attract negativity into your life and you will progress at a much slower rate if you ever do at all.
• Do whatever works for you, even if it’s unconventional. Were all different, we take different routes in life.
• Follow me and go write you’re own blog at Starbucks while its packed with people you’re same age discreetly staring at your laptop, think i care?! Nah that was the old me.